The Cri De Coeur Of Life....Or Not! - Part 2

Maslow's Hierarchy puts succinctly that irrespective of caste, creed, nationality, race, religion or wealth, every one of us has the innate need and desire to love and be loved.

It is unavoidable and inescapable for any human being to not to be part of his pyramid.

To the uninitiated,

FYI the pyramid

It's asseverated that love and belonging are inextricable from our lives - be it man-woman or woman-woman or man-man or any other new combo that can spring up in the future.

Now, the important question is:

How should this love be?

It can be either conditional or unconditional.

I am not against conditional love as long as the perduring and long-lasting feeling of love is not extinguished when one's conditions are not met and unfulfilled.

To elaborate it neatly,

Let's say A (girl) and B (boy) are in love with each other.

A has a stipulated set list of criteria and factors that have to be satisfied like possessing money, car, house, intelligence, humor, non-smoking, non-drinking, well-groomed etc. and only then she will be in love.

It is equally applicable from the boy's perspective as well like beauty, character, disciplined, affluent, world-savvy etc. 

B meets all her said expectations - either genuinely or strategically. 

Likewise, A also meets B's standards - either genuinely or strategically.

If it's only strategic with the intent to possess the other person, then it's pure lust and things are damned for sure when both eventually agree upon a committed relationship.

But, if it is strategic even though there is love for the other person, it indicates a sense of insecurity and significant fear that you will lose them for 'n' number of reasons like competition or the other person finds another SO etc. And, even by the strategy cum love for one another they unite, then their love is tested to the core as insecurity raises its nasty head like a King Cobra to strike at the most expected and unexpected moments. Such a love can withstand the terrible onslaught of consequences if and only if they share mutual reciprocation towards each other despite all the fears and insecurities.

The supreme love that is pure and true which will reign for eternity is when a person gives carte blanche freedom to the other and respects them truly for what they are as an individual without any strings attached or strategy involved. In this scenario, there is a good possibility that they may join or may not join with each other but the realness of the relationship without any iota of fakery or dissimulation is revealed.

There is one more scenario wherein the love is pure and true uninhibited by any fear of loss or insecurity yet incorporate a strategy or tactic to be with the other person. Here, the other person has a tremendous chance to perceive that the love is adulterated and can probably hate them for tricking into a relationship even though it's free from impurities. Of course, with the right logic and persuasion,  the situation can be restored to normalcy and they regain the lost trust as it is not based on any ulterior motive but the strategy or tactic was executed only for the relationship to prosper and flourish

In our example of A & B,.

What will happen if either A or B fail to match one or more than one of their requirements after they get married or when they are in a relationship?

Needless to say, there will be a loud hue and cry as they have built their entire life on those conditions and their dreams are falling apart like the 'Inception' fortress. 

Unless, they have the maturity, compromising personality and the right attitude to give importance to their love than their individual selves, they become angry, sad and unhappy.

With time, it distastefully turns ugly into resentment and disappointment that they had entered into such a regretful relationship in the first place.

Is this love?

Yes. It's still love.

 But, it is based and dependent only on the self. 

The love is not for the other person and doesn't take them into consideration.

Basically, what has happened is that both the people (A & B) have not only fooled the other person but also themselves in the name of love by falsely thinking that they are in love with one another when the actual reality is that they love themselves more.

There is nothing wrong with self-love.

But, to what extent especially when you are married and have children?

Just to protect the vanity and pride of your egos of your Amour-propre, should those innocent beings be subjected to hell through your divorce?

That is the major and critical question that needs to be answered.

And, I will answer it too.

When you are in a relationship or marriage before having children, if your excessive self-love hurts/harms/damages the well-being of another person, it's either time to snap the ties or take corrective actions to have a long-lasting bond with them.

Of course, the corrective actions should be mutual so that both of them are in sync with each other.

It cannot be just a one-way traffic if it's a healthy and rosette companionship that both desire with each other.

And, in a country like ours where a person uses a wily and cunning strategy to acquire (Nope! the word 'acquire' is not haphazardly used!) the other person thinking that everything can be set right after marriage, such people have just dug not only their own graves but also the other person by just that mere thought. 

Things get holy messier now when only one changes and works to sustain the relationship but the other does not even give an inkling of thought for the another.

How much compromise can one forego to make it work?

Well. You should have the bravery and confidence to be idealistically enough to forgive them each and every time for committing the same or similar or different mistake day by day but you should not be foolishly practical enough to let them take undue advantage of you every time so that they could get away with their mistakes that's not hurting or harming them but you. 

As everyone is an imperfect human being and not a perfect God, give them 3 to 4 chances to correct their errors.

Why have I said specifically mentioned 3 to 4 chances?

The first time a mistake is being made, they may or may not know that what they are doing is a mistake. So, you tell them patiently and gently that it's not the right way to act or do things.

It's difficult to internalize everything in one go - depends on the rate of learning capability of the individual, their sincerity towards maintaining the relationship and their honesty with themselves to accept that they are wrong in the first place.

A quick learner will understand it fast and refrain from doing it but a slow learner may take time to grasp all the details in one go.

So, there is the possibility that they might have learned half of it and yet involve themselves in doing the same mistake again as their complete learning is not thorough.

Maximum 4 opportunities could be given to self-rectify their ways.

Beyond that, punishments must be awarded in some way so that the other person is out of harms' way from the repeated same mistakes.

When the person continuously does the same or different or similar mistake without any sense of remorse or guilt or self-correction or understanding that they are harming the other person to the extent that they are making their lives utterly miserable, it's time to call it a day and break away from them or allow them to do what they please as no punishment or deliberate cruel words would reform such incorrigible characters.

IMHO, unconditional love - a love freed from the shackles and manacles of expectations, clinging reasons, and conditions - is the best, highest and purest form as such a love accepts the other person for what they are as an individual, caring and showering affection on them even during the bad or worst days of their lives.

                                                              X---To Be Concluded---X

PS:
If you found Part 2 absorbing and compelling, then you will love Part 3 even more.